5thCommandment

I first noticed that my mom was having memory issues about 1 year after she moved in with my family nine years ago. It seemed like just the normal memory issues that people have as they age. She had routines that helped her with daily life but even those were beginning to be confusing. I knew that she was not completely the mom I grew up knowing. I had no idea how much she would decline. Nor did I have an idea how that would have an impact on me and my family.

My mom had always been a fiercely independent woman. After the sudden death of my dad, she did not stop her volunteer work. She found new ways to give back in her community. She discovered new avenues to help those in need. She enjoyed a rich, full life. Yet, now she was unable to remember what would have been simple tasks for her. Our journey on keeping her safe, comfortable, and engaged in life began.

I will share what I learned and what I am still learning on this journey. As a caregiver I have made adjustments to meet the needs of my mom while attempting to still allow her participation in her care. It has not been easy.

I know that I receive and walk in the commandment to honor my father and my mother. My father loved my mother and would want her to receive excellent care. My brothers and I and the entire family love my mother, but I have been the witness to the small, slight changes that required intervention. I carried the weight of being true in an immediate and continuous sense of finding what “honor” means. My family is there supporting me but their occasional visits are not the same as the daily work of managing caregiving for someone declining with dementia.

Each week I will share what I discovered along this journey. Some changes were immediate and necessary for safety. Other adjustments required planning and implementation. The first change was recognizing that something was definitely different.

My relationship with my mother was changing because she was changing. I am still her daughter but now I have a roll reversal. I watch out for her. I make sure she is safe. My family and I now adapted to examining her daily routine and switching to accommodate to her needs. To be vigilant we needed to accept that she was declining. We could not ignore what was happening. It would not get better with time.